Sometimes I wonder if it's all really worth it, this inherent suffering that some seem to be born into. If at the end of the day that one smile, or that moment that seems to light the all engulfing darkness even for a second; breathing light into the darkest parts of the boxes in which I have chosen to lock things away that weigh the heart down like bricks in a body bag. Lighting like a firework, before sparkling out of existence like the fourth of July in the Cotsco parking lot. Is really worth living for.
It hasn't left anything behind, I feel like that light fast and violent does nothing for me anymore. The darkness stays dark, something predetermined inside of me. As I begin to wonder if this is really all there is.
Falling asleep without the sheets listening to sad murmuring of music with no intentions only to listen to the darkness because it sings the quite of the dark rhythm melody. I do not wish to lie on my hospital sheet covers anymore; they make me wonder if I should be laying in a real hospital bed alone with IV's in my arms trying to reincarnate the dead is where I am desisted to be.
I'm starting to get desperate, with these haphazard posts and text messages made in half of an effort to save myself; or to be noticed that I am not doing too well. But, I'm afraid that we see what we want, or what we're prepared to see. I just hope that when I fade away, finally. That people will not pretend that I meant something.
It won't be long now. No, it won't be long.
