Today has been odd, I don't know if it's the combination of exhaustion and nostalgia but I have found myself in quite the mood today. I guess you could call where I am at happy, although I would could classify it as content. My relationship is finally where I want it to be, oddly enough after I tried to end it. I guess it takes almost losing someone to find value in them, I don't know if that should be something that okay or not. I'm not going to over think it, after all we've been though this is the last time, it isn't something that I'm lying to myself about either. I have't thought about a lot lately, it's been a swirl of alcohol and late nights where the stars hide behind the clouds and faces swirl, kisses are given, and forgotten, and I forget who I am. I can see how in the books that I read why Vampires would choose to reside here. Yet I know who I love but I cannot stand to not be loved back, that is not something I think anyone is equipped to handle. Yet I know that it happens more times than anyone would like to think about. It would be too easy to lose myself here and forget it in the starless night sky.
I bought candles at Walmart on some rushed occasion to get my teammates candy for a 'secret pumpkin' excuse, and I thought about Nick, and those who I've lost. I guess lost isn't the right terminology to use though, losing something that isn't yours isn't losing at all really. Simply an empty hum in my brain where they used to be. The good die young and the rest of us are damned to live in this misery that we create, at least that's what I like to tell myself.
Death is strange, I recently watched a play about it, and it was about how when we're gone we have infinite knowledge but cannot move on and I've come to the conclusion that if there is a god he must be asleep. I hope those who decided to leave and those who were swept out the door without their consent, are happy. Wherever they may find themselves.
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